I wanted to tell you about my day
That I visited Mila's house and talk for hours with her parents
From this talk
I learned about how to be ikhlas and sabar in very meaningful ways
I learned how to trust Allah in everything I do even though it feels like everything is full of hardships
It's been weeks since I thought about what my heart wanted, what's the best for us, what's the best way to start the conversation, and not to hurt any of us.
But then, I never make any movement.
I was too afraid to be left alone,
I was too afraid to let you go,
I knew deep inside I'm ruined, collapsed, crumbled down, because I'm a total mess.
I waited and I waited till we can meet and deliver my thoughts clearly.
Eventually I never made it.
You threw the question suddenly, then I grabbed the chance to answer based on things I've considered thoughtfully.
I responded truthfully.
I forgot to prepare myself for your reaction.
Then boom!
The war started.
We had a battle to win our own egos.
I said I would disappear if you wanted me to do so.
I said it easily even though deep inside I was begging you to hold me, to ask me to stay.
But then the world turned around, you said you wanted to block me, to stop all the access to communicate, to leave me,
You said you needed time
I didn't prepare for that
It was too sudden
It's like you vanished into thin air
You're nowhere to be found
Perhaps this is the way Allah teaches me how to be ikhlas, to be sabr, to discover another side of me.
With you everything was so dim yet colorful, was so challenging yet mesmerising, was so silent yet loud.
My feelings never change. I wanted all the best for you. I hope we can meet again anytime soon. I miss you.