Its a long long long période

More than a month

Nearly crying every night

Super tired but I cant stop

Because tears keep coming back for more

I'm not sad

I'm not angry

I don't know what I feel

I just feel exhausted

The extreme fatigue I try to endure in silence

I'm disappointed perhaps

But probably it is something more than that

The voices are getting intense

And i'm doing my best to not be dragged too far

This way is too heavy

Sometimes I think that perhaps it's better to let go of my defense

And just follow the stream

Some people make me believe that it's always me who's not enough.

Some people make me think that it's always my flaws, my mistakes, my weakness.

Some people make me feel useless and worthless.

Sometimes my days are very cloudy.

Some days it shed some lights.

Some days I just wanna share some burden I feel.

Some days I'm held back by fears of being not listened to, not heard, not understood.

Then most of the days what I feel stays inside with unexplainable tears fill the whole day.

Some days I realized that it's totally hard to be me.

I imagine it must be another level of stress for others to live with a creature like me.

Some days I just want to be left alone tho I hate the feeling of loneliness.

Some days I just wanna disappear.

I'm brave enough to come to my mom this morning and asked,

"Ma can I have a hug please?"

At least I seek for help.

Nangis terus.. Ga capek?

intrusive thoughts

Nothing works well.

Well, nothing works.

Woah never knew that I'd still cry talking bout you.

On my own

Am I ready? No I'm not

Does it still hurt? Pretty much yes

Do I still silently cry? Yes, can't you see my eyes? 

Is there something missing in my life? Of course. The puzzle is not complete.

Is my heart heavy? Heavier than I expected.

Is it hard for me? Inexplicably hard.

Hey I miss you...

More than I can say.

Emotionally abused

I was about to call you last night before you asked the question

I wanted to tell you about my day

That I visited Mila's house and talk for hours with her parents

From this talk

I learned about how to be ikhlas and sabar in  very meaningful ways

I learned how to trust Allah in everything I do even though it feels like everything is full of hardships

It's been weeks since I thought about what my heart wanted, what's the best for us, what's the best way to start the conversation, and not to hurt any of us.

But then, I never make any movement. 

I was too afraid to be left alone,

I was too afraid to let you go,

I knew deep inside I'm ruined, collapsed, crumbled down, because I'm a total mess.

I waited and I waited till we can meet and deliver my thoughts clearly.

Eventually I never made it.

You threw the question suddenly, then I grabbed the chance to answer based on things I've considered thoughtfully.

I responded truthfully.

I forgot to prepare myself for your reaction.

Then boom!

The war started.

We had a battle to win our own egos.

I said I would disappear if you wanted me to do so. 

I said it easily even though deep inside I was begging you to hold me, to ask me to stay.

But then the world turned around, you said you wanted to block me, to stop all the access to communicate, to leave me, 

You said you needed time

I didn't prepare for that

It was too sudden

It's like you vanished into thin air

You're nowhere to be found

Perhaps this is the way Allah teaches me how to be ikhlas, to be sabr, to discover another side of me.

With you everything was so dim yet colorful, was so challenging yet mesmerising, was so silent yet loud.

My feelings never change. I wanted all the best for you. I hope we can meet again anytime soon. I miss you.

This way too painful

This way too hurtful

Been crying for hours and still can't pull myself together

I'm shattered to pieces

I'm devastated

Seems like my tears won't be enough to tell how everything bled me to the bone

I'm not okay at all

This is what I asked for

To liberate my heart from things I knew weren't right

To make peace within me

But I didn't know that this would be so hard

That losing you is crumbling down my life

You're nowhere to be found now

I'm clueless

Where were we last night?

I'm broken too

Way much worse than I expected

I miss you to the core

You said you had me in your dream

While I fell asleep thinking bout you.

Were we connected last night?

You finally said good bye

Then I am devastated

I wish I could say I'm okay

But I'm not

I'm not okay

Antrean bahagia

Orang-orang berburu kebahagiaan

Dari pagi sampai pagi lagi

Mereka coba berbagai jalur yang menuntun pada rasa nyaman, tenang, dan aman

Lewat yang instan rasanya memang mudah, tanpa banyak usaha

Yang lebih sulit ada,

Dengan banyak tantangan, tapi rasa bahagianya juga bertahan lebih lama

Aku juga bagian dari arus manusia yang sedang mengantre untuk bahagia

Malam-malam kupikirkan seksama bagaimana caranya lepas dari rasa hambar yang tak berujung

Mau lari ke mana pun tidak bisa kan?

Aku mondar-mandir dalam imajinasiku.

Sepertinya aku salah mengambil antrean untuk jadi bahagia

Loket yang kupilih ada di tengah-tengah loket lain, tapi jarang yang memilih

Tiap maju satu langkah untuk bahagia, aku selalu diiringi dengan bayang-bayang monster yang akan menggigit

Yang menarik lenganku ke kanan dan ke kiri

Menyeretku menemui ketakutan dan hal-hal buruk yang aku hindari

Aku juga mau bahagia.

Tapi kenapa rasanya sulit sekali?

Di perjalanan menjemput rasa aman, nyaman, dan tenang

Ada yang menawariku berbagai permen yang manis

Menawariku teh hangat

Menawariku rasa kasih dan sayang yang aku impi-impikan selama ini

Lalu aku berpikir, apa aku tidak perlu lagi mengantre untuk rasa bahagia?

Apa aku sudah sampai di ujung dan memang saatnya duduk menikmati momen-momen yang menyenangkan?

Tapi kemudian selalu ada badai

Aku terpental ke ruang gelap yang tak mau aku jejaki

Berulang kali sampai aku lelah

Kapan ini berakhir?

Masih di hari yang sama

Mungkin yang kemarin terlalu rindu,

Makanya yang ada cuma amarah dan gelisah

Saat bertemu, semuanya reda dan hilang

Ada kehangatan dari dirimu yang menyapu bersih semua perasaan tidak nyaman

Caramu menyentuh, berbicara, dan menatap ternyata ya ternyata masih sama

Masih sama apa adanya

Tanpa teka teki

Begitu saja, tanpa membuatku bingung

Aku yang naif atau memang kamu betul-betul jujur?

Aku tidak berusaha mencari jawaban

Jika ada yang kucari,

Satu saja,

Waktu untuk bertemu lagi.

Kesempatan untuk bersama lagi.

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts 

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts ya Allah

Ya Allah heal this soul

Heal this wound

Leave me stronger after the storm

Tho I don't really think I can come out of it safely

Ya Allah it hurts more than I can imagine

And bless each of my tears

I know you know what I feel down down down in my heart

You know things I left unsaid

You know how much tears I held back

Ya Allah I need company

Because at times like this I'm totally alone

I need a hand to reach me out

Ya Allah please bless my long day

My weak heart

My confusedsoul

Please protect my loved ones

From things that will hurt them

If that one who'll hurt them is me

Please protect them from me

Je ne savais pas que je n'étais pas prête

Même pour l'instant je suis pas prête

Mais ça va même si ça me fait blesser mon cœur profondément

Mais ça va même si c'est trop pénible

Mais ça va

Mais ça va

Mais ça va pas

Même les larmes restent dedans, refusent de m'accompagner ce matin.

Un jour je me suis endormie

Je me suis pas rendue compte 

Mais là, le temps reculait toujours

L'horloge ne quitte pas le jeux

C'est l'enjeu de me suis réveillée à un jour si lourd que ceux d'avant.

 Ça va  ça va ça ira mieux :)

I'm just tired.

Even if it makes me worry

I'll remain silent

Even if it makes me feel iritated and uneasy

I'll keep my words

Even if it feels like my world is falling apart

I'll show you that everything is easy

Though it's not

Though it's tough

Though it's more than harsh

I'll let you know that I'm fine so you might feel at ease too.

thoughts

I am black and blue

Shattered to pieces

Broken to the most profound part of my heart

But then I smile and laugh

One day I cried and I sobbed as if there's no other day tomorrow

Then I still went out from my room being okay and bubbly;

asking my mom "Mom what are you doing? What are we having for dinner?" 

Those questions decorated with smile on my face and lovely voice tone.

When I was hurted by a song in the car just to tilt my head while saying, "Woah seems like it was raining heavily Pop."

And I held back all the tears.

There I go, wearing thousands of layers I never meant to. 

If it's too painful I'd better keep it to myself.

Just to my own soul.

Just to someone in my head or in the mirror whom I can talk to for hours without judging me, without making me feel like I was less, like I always make mistakes.

thoughts

It's draining inside

Like I want to stop from running but my heart keeps on racing

I just want to stop and breathe for a while

But even breathing means struggling

I just want to sleep

But sleep doesn't mean rest

I just want to disappear

But then I imagine the burden I'll leave in my loved ones' heart

I just want to stop and quit

Even if it means I bleed my own soul

Racau

Jeda yang aku tabur di antara pertemuan

ternyata melukai aku sendiri.

Aku amati seksama bagaimana jeda tumbuh menyisakan goresan

Aku takut justru pada akhirnya ditikam jarak yang aku ciptakan. 

5am thoughts

It feels like

You let me go

This way you let me go

I feel free yet suffocated

I feel liberated yet not satisfied

This way you let me know

How much I need you

How much I depend on you

How much I'm addicted to you

And I have let you know all the broken pieces I tried to collect in me

And I have opened the door to let you in

But I closed some rooms so I can see myself clearly

In the dark I'm afraid that I may be too naked in front of you

In the dark I'm insecured by my outbursting feelings for you

Is it right?

Is everything alright with me?

Is this what I want?

Will my world crumble to dust when this has to end?

Is this even real?

Cause I'm afraid that I went too far.

Bukan kereta, apalagi pesawat

Saat aku di stasiun atau bandara, 

dan aku tidak tahu sesuatu,

aku bertanya.

Supaya tidak salah,

dan bisa melanjutkan perjalanan

tanpa resah.

Adakalanya bertanya pun tak memberikan arah, 

malah membuat terduduk lemas,

seakan-akan pasrah.

Tapi saat aku tidak di stasiun atau bandara,

Saat tidak menantikan kereta atau pesawat,

aku juga ternyata,

sering termenung bingung tanpa tujuan. 

Teriak di dalam cermin

Kutatap cermin,

"Wah aku bisa gila kalau begini."

Perempuan dalam cermin bilang,

"Tapi kamu sudah gila tampaknya."

Aku menolak,

"Tidak, mana mungkin aku hilang kewarasan secepat itu. Aku kuat dan tidak akan terpengaruh."

Cermin teriak,

Menyodorkan ku topeng kelelahan dan compang camping yang aku kenakan selama ini. 

Bertanya cermin,

"Lalu yang ini, topeng punya siapa dong?"

Aku diam,

Coba mencari kedok lain untuk kupakai menjawab.

Through the night

I'm a broken wings bird, flying cut through the night.

I cry and I scream while sliding in the cold weather. 

Trying to seek help that I needed, I fly fly fly. 

Do you see how I break the night with my tears?

Do you hear my voice is rolling in the depth of darkness?

Do you feel how my racing heart is on the edge of falling?

I'm flying, sliding, rolling, breaking through this confusion.

Still I can see myself with broken wings.

I live. I'm alive.

I was dumped

I swallow my tears to the point I cant even taste whether Its salty or bitter.

I bury the scream inside my head.

Its killing me painfully, I cant..

Im reaching out for help but all you did was cast me away. 

Me too I needed a hand and I tried to ask help from you.

But all you did was push me away. 

I was so permissive that I let you hurt me this way. 

Are you happy now?

Your answers will be scattered in the dust.

I will never figure them out.  

Yang berangsur membaik

 Di dalam cermin aku lihat,

diriku bersama seorang anak kecil,

yang selalu sedih,

sendirian,

menahan tangis,

merasa tersisih,

malu,

terluka,

tak berkawan,

matanya lemah,

meminta pertolongan.

Dia melalui hari ke hari,

masa ke masa menemaniku,

meski senantiasa kuabaikan.

Sesekali kuusap kepalanya dan kukatakan

"Maaf. Aku ga tau harus berbuat apa."

Sering dia tak balas apapun,

tapi terkadang teriaknya tak dapat kuredam.

Hari ini,

di dalam cermin kembali kulihat,

ada anak kecil yang sama

yang selalu ada di sampingku,

Kali ini dia memelukku,

kulihat wajahnya sedikit merona,

tidak tersenyum,

tapi dia sudah tidak lagi malu atau terluka.

Kutanyakan padanya

"Bagaimana bisa?"

"Karena kakak belajar menerima kebaikan. Lukaku satu per satu berangsur membaik."

Bisiknya.

Pukul 2 dini hari

Pukul 02.00 dini hari

Aku terjaga

Bersama pikiran yang melayang di kepala

Bertanya tentang arti dan makna

Mencoba meresapi pengalaman dan warna-warna yang baru kutemukan

Terang gelap, silau redup, aku berselancar di spektrum yang panjang dan beragam

Ingin menepi di tidurku

Tapi mataku urung terpejam

Sepertinya aku baru saja bermimpi tanpa tertidur

Kemudian berusaha bangun

Buat apa lagi bangun?

Semuanya nyata dan hadir bukan ilusi.

Rupanya memoriku sanggup merekam apa yang terlewat

Dari jendela kita melihat kota yang rumahnya tinggi kecil diliputi tipis asap kotor

Dari sudut lain kita melihat diri kita sendiri

Berdansa mengarungi menit ke menit yang lewat tanpa permisi

Dari sudut lain aku baca wajahmu

Aku baca ceritamu

Ini terlalu jelas jika harus kusebut sebagai mimpi

Ini terlalu nyata kalau harus kuanggap sekadar khayalan

Pukul 2 lewat sekian

Aku mau tidurku

Tapi aku mau mimpiku juga 

Yang kemarin hadir dalam realita.

Bukan pesananku

Sore ini ada paket masuk ke dalam aplikasi pesanku:

Puisi yang tidak pernah kutunggu.

Datang saja mengalir tanpa aku antisipasi.

Aku bingung tapi tak mengadu, karena isinya buatku tersipu.

Aku bisikkan padamu isinya:

"Senja yg slalu kutunggu

Senja yg membuatku tenang

Senja yg mengisi kekosonganku

Senja yg ingin ak nikmati dg secangkir teh hangat

Kamu."

Diam diam aku juga siapkan balasan,

Tapi kusimpan di dalam kepalaku,

Kubiarkan berputar putar sebelum kulepaskan dalam bentuk tulisan.

Coba baca, tapi ini rahasia:

"Laut yang gelap dan tak terukur

Menghisap aku yang berusaha berenang dengan tenang

Ada pusaran tak kentara karena gelapmu tak berujung seperti hitam malam

Aku mencari pegangan tapi kamu justru memelukku tak sediakan aku celah,

Tiap hari kurapal doa supaya laut mengembara menemui pagi,

Agar perlahan kelamnya laut memudar,

Menjadi biru kehijauan dan berangsur jernih,

Kalaupun pagi tak kunjung tiba

Aku senantiasa bawakan obor menyala,

Walau pasti padam dalam air,

Tapi tetap aku bawakan,

Lagi dan lagi."

Di taman belakang

Ada rumah tanpa pintu. 

Sudah lama ingin disinggahi. 

Supaya sedikit hangat di dalamnya. 

Tapi tidak ada jalan masuk. 

Bagaimana cara tahu jika ini bukan jebakan?

---

Sinar matahari masuk dari sela-sela tembok bata tanpa plester. 

Masuk pelan-pelan,

Saat hujan tak ada tempias,

Hanya bagian luar rumah yang basah. 

Ketika lewat di depan rumah

orang-orang bertanya,

"orang gila mana yang menutup semua dinding dengan bata?"

"tanpa pintu..."

---

Rumah tanpa pintu tak menarik perhatian,

Setiap yang datang cuma melihat bingung,

atau kasihan,

atau jijik

atau kesal,

atau bahkan rumah itu tak terlihat.

---

Tapi yang orang tidak tahu,

di balik pekarangan depan dengan ilalang seleher,

dan tanaman duri yang melingkar,

ada jalan setapak yang tertutup dan terlupakan.

Menuju ke halaman belakang yang jauh lebih tak terjangkau.

Menuju jendela kecil yang bisa dimasukki.

 

Sulit tapi bisa.

 

My Ego

My ego just wants me to overstep 

But my head says I must let go

So tonight is a night without you

My ego just wants me to bother you

But I know it'd be frivolous

And it'll start the war we never wanted

My ego keeps saying that you need me and I need to be there for you

While the thing you probably need the most is to find the solace within you

I hold myself from knocking on your door

I hold myself so I see you from afar

Beautiful, strong, yet so fragile and delicate

I see you from afar grieving without tears nor sob

I see you disappointed, betrayed, treated unjustly

My ego wants to hug you but you need yourself, your room, your sanity, your time, more than anything

I try to shut up my ego

For the most important thing for now is your peace

Jet Lag

Woke up by almost 10 pm,

Feeling so confused with lots of questions popped in my mind.

I was so lost I didn't realise it was night.

Then the crickets' sounds reminded me that it's already dark.

I swam across a deep dark ocean in my dream, but I remember nothing. 

I bite my nails to see if I'm still in my sleep or it's the scene in real life I'd never be able to neglect.

I guess I miss traveling just too much that my mind exaggerated when I slept 

then left me a blank space as I think I'm having a jet lag.

Jet lag from what?

From excuses that I made perhaps

From the surreal experiences that's too sudden

From the short days that lasts forever in memory

I went back and forth to see that I only got nothing from being this restless

Then I ask myself, it's probably me who is sick after all, who is incapable of handling things, whose wall is too thin and fragile

For sure it's me

For I project things to another soul

For I push a soul that's already burdened

For I am addicted to pills that would never be found in the drugstore

With You

Meeting you is a gift

When you touch me with your words and lips, I discover myself more than I imagined

I found things I never knew exist in me

The treasure is unlocked, set, and ready for adventures

If the encounter is a mistake, then it is such a beautiful one that I'd gladly refuse to undo it.

Surviving with you is roller coaster

While I'm not sure whether I'm the stormy track or the loudest rider, the game keeps going

Leaving me with tears, joy, fear, confusion, pride, and those unexplainable emotions that keep me wanting for more

Sometimes it feels like I'm loved

The other day the games are too tight, confusing, and challenging that I think and you think we need to quit

But somehow I stay, you stay, we stay

Despite of the circumstances that will break us in the future,

Despite of the unknown end of this roller coaster ride,

Despite of the game that always have a 'quit' option,

We remain together

Probably as a destined ones

Probably as an inevitable mistake 

2pm thoughts

It's getting harder for me to speak my words of affection

Yet my feelings never change a bit.

I still feel the same since the day we met

As for today

Perhaps you're just too tired

And actually it's okay

But I wish I could fly to your arms and soothe you

Perhaps it won't help anything at all

Perhaps it's not what you need for now

But even if you're not exhausted

Even if you're fine,

Even if you're happy and there's nothing to worry about

I still want to see you

Not to soothe you

Not to calm you down

But to help myself

To ease myself

For I miss you wholeheartedly

...

leftover

It hurts

It hurts me

It's haunting me

I may ask for too much

Sorry

But I cant pretend that it doesn't hurt

It hurts to my bone

For I imagine you both did what you made me believe that everything has came to an end

For I cheered you up but you were already fine by someone else's presence

It hurts for I cant lower my expectations

It hurts

It hurts

It just hurts me more

For I can't  cry

For I can't scream

For I can't be angry

For I hurt you too

It will heal

This wound will heal

I just need to be patient

A bit more patient

I just need to remain strong

A bit stronger

Emosi, Perasaan, dan Rasionalisasi yang Kontinu

Ada makna yang bisa dipahami dari tiap kejadian. Baik dan buruk, itu penilaian. Namun, yang lebih penting adalah bagaimana berusaha mengerti, memproses, dan bereaksi sesuai dengan kapasitas, tidak berlebihan atau kurang.

Ibarat langit berbintang, maka serpihan-serpihan cahaya kecil yang indah itu ya emosi dan perasaan yang menghiasi hati kita. Kadang tertutup, kadang terlihat. Memiliki nama, tapi kita harus teliti menilai untuk tahu itu bintang apa --untuk tahu apa yang kita rasakan. 

Mudah saja bilang "Aku marah." Tapi di balik kata marah ada perasaan apa yang tersimpan? Apakah malu? Merasa frustasi? Merasa kalah? Merasa dikhianati? Merasa sendiri? Merasa buntu? 

Apa?

Kemudian disusul pertanyaan. "Apa yang membuatku merasakan marah? Mengapa aku marah?"

Butuh dialog yang panjang dan intens dengan diri sendiri untuk bisa menjawab pertanyaan itu. 

"Aku marah karena....."

Prosesnya sangat tidak enak karena harus ditinjau ulang apakah marahnya sudah tepat. "Kepada siapa aku marah? Bolehkah aku marah pada dia? Apakah aku adil dengan menumpahkan kemarahanku padanya?"

Marah boleh, namun harus tetap adil dalam bersikap. 

Pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu tidak ada di lembar soal. Mencari di google pun sia-sia. Tidak ada tenggat waktu. Semua ya dijawab perlahan-lahan saja. 

Saat belum mendapatkan jawaban, senantiasa lah maklum dan jangan bereaksi dengan tidak terukur. 

Kalau memang terlanjur marah, tidak bisa memafkan, dan masih sulit mendapatkan alasan kenapa aku marah dan jawaban atas pertanyaan lainnya, pamit sejenak. Atau kalau perlu pamit tak kembali. 

Kamu juga boleh

Di antara yang bergaduh terburu-buru,

kamu boleh berhenti. Istirahat sejenak meskipun terengah-engah. 

Di antara yang melaju pelan-pelan dan tampak statis,

kamu juga boleh berhenti. Istirahat sejenak meskipun selama ini kamu santai tak berlari. 

Ketika lelah, ya lelah. 

Bukan hanya yang sedang berlomba,

Bukan hanya yang sedang mengejar sesuatu,

Bukan hanya yang dalam tekanan,

Letih, ya letih.

Sebuah perasaan universal yang berhak dimiliki siapa saja. 

Hal yang normal merasa cukup, lelah, letih, dan ingin rehat, walaupun tak bisa jabarkan apa-apa yang menjadi alasan. 

Karena dalam hati dan pikiran siapa yang tahu,

kadang ada pertarungan laten yang diri sendiri juga tidak sadari. 

I'm welcoming myself.

Wah aku kira blog ini sudah mati dan ga bisa dibuka lagi, ternyata masih bisa. 

Well..

Kita lihat blog ini bisa diisi apa lagi.  ^^