Ça va  ça va ça ira mieux :)

I'm just tired.

Even if it makes me worry

I'll remain silent

Even if it makes me feel iritated and uneasy

I'll keep my words

Even if it feels like my world is falling apart

I'll show you that everything is easy

Though it's not

Though it's tough

Though it's more than harsh

I'll let you know that I'm fine so you might feel at ease too.

thoughts

I am black and blue

Shattered to pieces

Broken to the most profound part of my heart

But then I smile and laugh

One day I cried and I sobbed as if there's no other day tomorrow

Then I still went out from my room being okay and bubbly;

asking my mom "Mom what are you doing? What are we having for dinner?" 

Those questions decorated with smile on my face and lovely voice tone.

When I was hurted by a song in the car just to tilt my head while saying, "Woah seems like it was raining heavily Pop."

And I held back all the tears.

There I go, wearing thousands of layers I never meant to. 

If it's too painful I'd better keep it to myself.

Just to my own soul.

Just to someone in my head or in the mirror whom I can talk to for hours without judging me, without making me feel like I was less, like I always make mistakes.

thoughts

It's draining inside

Like I want to stop from running but my heart keeps on racing

I just want to stop and breathe for a while

But even breathing means struggling

I just want to sleep

But sleep doesn't mean rest

I just want to disappear

But then I imagine the burden I'll leave in my loved ones' heart

I just want to stop and quit

Even if it means I bleed my own soul

Racau

Jeda yang aku tabur di antara pertemuan

ternyata melukai aku sendiri.

Aku amati seksama bagaimana jeda tumbuh menyisakan goresan

Aku takut justru pada akhirnya ditikam jarak yang aku ciptakan. 

5am thoughts

It feels like

You let me go

This way you let me go

I feel free yet suffocated

I feel liberated yet not satisfied

This way you let me know

How much I need you

How much I depend on you

How much I'm addicted to you

And I have let you know all the broken pieces I tried to collect in me

And I have opened the door to let you in

But I closed some rooms so I can see myself clearly

In the dark I'm afraid that I may be too naked in front of you

In the dark I'm insecured by my outbursting feelings for you

Is it right?

Is everything alright with me?

Is this what I want?

Will my world crumble to dust when this has to end?

Is this even real?

Cause I'm afraid that I went too far.

Bukan kereta, apalagi pesawat

Saat aku di stasiun atau bandara, 

dan aku tidak tahu sesuatu,

aku bertanya.

Supaya tidak salah,

dan bisa melanjutkan perjalanan

tanpa resah.

Adakalanya bertanya pun tak memberikan arah, 

malah membuat terduduk lemas,

seakan-akan pasrah.

Tapi saat aku tidak di stasiun atau bandara,

Saat tidak menantikan kereta atau pesawat,

aku juga ternyata,

sering termenung bingung tanpa tujuan. 

Teriak di dalam cermin

Kutatap cermin,

"Wah aku bisa gila kalau begini."

Perempuan dalam cermin bilang,

"Tapi kamu sudah gila tampaknya."

Aku menolak,

"Tidak, mana mungkin aku hilang kewarasan secepat itu. Aku kuat dan tidak akan terpengaruh."

Cermin teriak,

Menyodorkan ku topeng kelelahan dan compang camping yang aku kenakan selama ini. 

Bertanya cermin,

"Lalu yang ini, topeng punya siapa dong?"

Aku diam,

Coba mencari kedok lain untuk kupakai menjawab.

Through the night

I'm a broken wings bird, flying cut through the night.

I cry and I scream while sliding in the cold weather. 

Trying to seek help that I needed, I fly fly fly. 

Do you see how I break the night with my tears?

Do you hear my voice is rolling in the depth of darkness?

Do you feel how my racing heart is on the edge of falling?

I'm flying, sliding, rolling, breaking through this confusion.

Still I can see myself with broken wings.

I live. I'm alive.

I was dumped

I swallow my tears to the point I cant even taste whether Its salty or bitter.

I bury the scream inside my head.

Its killing me painfully, I cant..

Im reaching out for help but all you did was cast me away. 

Me too I needed a hand and I tried to ask help from you.

But all you did was push me away. 

I was so permissive that I let you hurt me this way. 

Are you happy now?

Your answers will be scattered in the dust.

I will never figure them out.  

Yang berangsur membaik

 Di dalam cermin aku lihat,

diriku bersama seorang anak kecil,

yang selalu sedih,

sendirian,

menahan tangis,

merasa tersisih,

malu,

terluka,

tak berkawan,

matanya lemah,

meminta pertolongan.

Dia melalui hari ke hari,

masa ke masa menemaniku,

meski senantiasa kuabaikan.

Sesekali kuusap kepalanya dan kukatakan

"Maaf. Aku ga tau harus berbuat apa."

Sering dia tak balas apapun,

tapi terkadang teriaknya tak dapat kuredam.

Hari ini,

di dalam cermin kembali kulihat,

ada anak kecil yang sama

yang selalu ada di sampingku,

Kali ini dia memelukku,

kulihat wajahnya sedikit merona,

tidak tersenyum,

tapi dia sudah tidak lagi malu atau terluka.

Kutanyakan padanya

"Bagaimana bisa?"

"Karena kakak belajar menerima kebaikan. Lukaku satu per satu berangsur membaik."

Bisiknya.

Pukul 2 dini hari

Pukul 02.00 dini hari

Aku terjaga

Bersama pikiran yang melayang di kepala

Bertanya tentang arti dan makna

Mencoba meresapi pengalaman dan warna-warna yang baru kutemukan

Terang gelap, silau redup, aku berselancar di spektrum yang panjang dan beragam

Ingin menepi di tidurku

Tapi mataku urung terpejam

Sepertinya aku baru saja bermimpi tanpa tertidur

Kemudian berusaha bangun

Buat apa lagi bangun?

Semuanya nyata dan hadir bukan ilusi.

Rupanya memoriku sanggup merekam apa yang terlewat

Dari jendela kita melihat kota yang rumahnya tinggi kecil diliputi tipis asap kotor

Dari sudut lain kita melihat diri kita sendiri

Berdansa mengarungi menit ke menit yang lewat tanpa permisi

Dari sudut lain aku baca wajahmu

Aku baca ceritamu

Ini terlalu jelas jika harus kusebut sebagai mimpi

Ini terlalu nyata kalau harus kuanggap sekadar khayalan

Pukul 2 lewat sekian

Aku mau tidurku

Tapi aku mau mimpiku juga 

Yang kemarin hadir dalam realita.

Bukan pesananku

Sore ini ada paket masuk ke dalam aplikasi pesanku:

Puisi yang tidak pernah kutunggu.

Datang saja mengalir tanpa aku antisipasi.

Aku bingung tapi tak mengadu, karena isinya buatku tersipu.

Aku bisikkan padamu isinya:

"Senja yg slalu kutunggu

Senja yg membuatku tenang

Senja yg mengisi kekosonganku

Senja yg ingin ak nikmati dg secangkir teh hangat

Kamu."

Diam diam aku juga siapkan balasan,

Tapi kusimpan di dalam kepalaku,

Kubiarkan berputar putar sebelum kulepaskan dalam bentuk tulisan.

Coba baca, tapi ini rahasia:

"Laut yang gelap dan tak terukur

Menghisap aku yang berusaha berenang dengan tenang

Ada pusaran tak kentara karena gelapmu tak berujung seperti hitam malam

Aku mencari pegangan tapi kamu justru memelukku tak sediakan aku celah,

Tiap hari kurapal doa supaya laut mengembara menemui pagi,

Agar perlahan kelamnya laut memudar,

Menjadi biru kehijauan dan berangsur jernih,

Kalaupun pagi tak kunjung tiba

Aku senantiasa bawakan obor menyala,

Walau pasti padam dalam air,

Tapi tetap aku bawakan,

Lagi dan lagi."

Di taman belakang

Ada rumah tanpa pintu. 

Sudah lama ingin disinggahi. 

Supaya sedikit hangat di dalamnya. 

Tapi tidak ada jalan masuk. 

Bagaimana cara tahu jika ini bukan jebakan?

---

Sinar matahari masuk dari sela-sela tembok bata tanpa plester. 

Masuk pelan-pelan,

Saat hujan tak ada tempias,

Hanya bagian luar rumah yang basah. 

Ketika lewat di depan rumah

orang-orang bertanya,

"orang gila mana yang menutup semua dinding dengan bata?"

"tanpa pintu..."

---

Rumah tanpa pintu tak menarik perhatian,

Setiap yang datang cuma melihat bingung,

atau kasihan,

atau jijik

atau kesal,

atau bahkan rumah itu tak terlihat.

---

Tapi yang orang tidak tahu,

di balik pekarangan depan dengan ilalang seleher,

dan tanaman duri yang melingkar,

ada jalan setapak yang tertutup dan terlupakan.

Menuju ke halaman belakang yang jauh lebih tak terjangkau.

Menuju jendela kecil yang bisa dimasukki.

 

Sulit tapi bisa.

 

My Ego

My ego just wants me to overstep 

But my head says I must let go

So tonight is a night without you

My ego just wants me to bother you

But I know it'd be frivolous

And it'll start the war we never wanted

My ego keeps saying that you need me and I need to be there for you

While the thing you probably need the most is to find the solace within you

I hold myself from knocking on your door

I hold myself so I see you from afar

Beautiful, strong, yet so fragile and delicate

I see you from afar grieving without tears nor sob

I see you disappointed, betrayed, treated unjustly

My ego wants to hug you but you need yourself, your room, your sanity, your time, more than anything

I try to shut up my ego

For the most important thing for now is your peace

Jet Lag

Woke up by almost 10 pm,

Feeling so confused with lots of questions popped in my mind.

I was so lost I didn't realise it was night.

Then the crickets' sounds reminded me that it's already dark.

I swam across a deep dark ocean in my dream, but I remember nothing. 

I bite my nails to see if I'm still in my sleep or it's the scene in real life I'd never be able to neglect.

I guess I miss traveling just too much that my mind exaggerated when I slept 

then left me a blank space as I think I'm having a jet lag.

Jet lag from what?

From excuses that I made perhaps

From the surreal experiences that's too sudden

From the short days that lasts forever in memory

I went back and forth to see that I only got nothing from being this restless

Then I ask myself, it's probably me who is sick after all, who is incapable of handling things, whose wall is too thin and fragile

For sure it's me

For I project things to another soul

For I push a soul that's already burdened

For I am addicted to pills that would never be found in the drugstore

With You

Meeting you is a gift

When you touch me with your words and lips, I discover myself more than I imagined

I found things I never knew exist in me

The treasure is unlocked, set, and ready for adventures

If the encounter is a mistake, then it is such a beautiful one that I'd gladly refuse to undo it.

Surviving with you is roller coaster

While I'm not sure whether I'm the stormy track or the loudest rider, the game keeps going

Leaving me with tears, joy, fear, confusion, pride, and those unexplainable emotions that keep me wanting for more

Sometimes it feels like I'm loved

The other day the games are too tight, confusing, and challenging that I think and you think we need to quit

But somehow I stay, you stay, we stay

Despite of the circumstances that will break us in the future,

Despite of the unknown end of this roller coaster ride,

Despite of the game that always have a 'quit' option,

We remain together

Probably as a destined ones

Probably as an inevitable mistake 

2pm thoughts

It's getting harder for me to speak my words of affection

Yet my feelings never change a bit.

I still feel the same since the day we met

As for today

Perhaps you're just too tired

And actually it's okay

But I wish I could fly to your arms and soothe you

Perhaps it won't help anything at all

Perhaps it's not what you need for now

But even if you're not exhausted

Even if you're fine,

Even if you're happy and there's nothing to worry about

I still want to see you

Not to soothe you

Not to calm you down

But to help myself

To ease myself

For I miss you wholeheartedly

...

leftover

It hurts

It hurts me

It's haunting me

I may ask for too much

Sorry

But I cant pretend that it doesn't hurt

It hurts to my bone

For I imagine you both did what you made me believe that everything has came to an end

For I cheered you up but you were already fine by someone else's presence

It hurts for I cant lower my expectations

It hurts

It hurts

It just hurts me more

For I can't  cry

For I can't scream

For I can't be angry

For I hurt you too

It will heal

This wound will heal

I just need to be patient

A bit more patient

I just need to remain strong

A bit stronger